I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
