I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
