I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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