I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
