Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
