If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
