a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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