This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
