I wish I could punch you in the face.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
