I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
