There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
