we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
