HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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