1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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