I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
