Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
