This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
