i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
