All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You can't motorboat a personality
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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