he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
