So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
