1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
please don't ironically join a cult
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