If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
