I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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