So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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