so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
