You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
