that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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