Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
