I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
