and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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