every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
birth control should be required to get into college
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
