My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
