Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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