if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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