hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
