i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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