i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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