btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
