this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
where are my eyebrows?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
