Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
