come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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