And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize