Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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