gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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