I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
