i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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