So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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