If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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