sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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