I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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