do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
