Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
