so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
