i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
