The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
