It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
