People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
