And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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