Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
